For some reason everybody loves Led Zepellin again, it’s like punk never happened. Punk HAD to happen because of overblown behomoths suck as these over-rated wankers and now 30 years after punk Led Zepellin have taken their place on the rock throne again, indicative of the derth of decent bands around and the derth of people with good taste buying music.

There are many reasons for Zeps suckage, here are just a few of those reasons.

All their fans are ugly as fuck, even back in the 70s in their mid twenties highlight, their fans either looked like stoner college drop outs or long haired sex offenders with an uncanny resemblance to Steve Coogan’s character Saxondale or Jeremy Clarkson, nobody wears stonewashed denim anymore  either apart from (co-incidentally) the aforementioned Jeremy Clarkson.

The bombastic Led Zep sound was created by four humongous egos all clashing with each other seeing who can make the most noise. Each member takes themselves soooo seriously, there’s no need to act that serious especially when you’re playing songs with lyrics about hobbits or some crap like that. The mark of a great group is that they are just that…a group of musicians playing together, complimenting each others skills to come up with something great, Zep is the opposite of that and it creates headaches.

Robert Plants shrill vocal operatics sound like a cross between a whale in pain and the noise a little girl makes in a supermarket when her mum tells her she can’t have any crisps.

Jimmy Page’s twin guitar, nobody needs two guitars moulded together…nobody. His almost epileptic approach to guitar playing can’t even be described as proper guitar playing, it’s a never ending solo which goes on…and on and on. Jimmy Hendrix and Mick Ronson both around at the time beat Jimmy Page hands down when it comes to guitar virtuosity and Jimmy Page playing his guitar with a violin bow? Wrong instrument dumb ass, were you that high you didn’t notice the instrument you picked up backstage before you came on?? Oh, you were….

John Bonham undeniably very talented when it comes to drums , still looks like he’d be more at home hanging around outside schools in a dubiously stained mac whilst Jon Paul Jones despite being the best musician in the band still looks like a village simpleton learning how to do some of that there reading.

Bonhams drumming isn’t drumming, it’s something beyond drumming, and it ends up being just noise. It’s the sound of a man cracking up with some noisy things around him, as if lead singers personal problems weren’t enough, we’re now adding drummer issues into the mix too?

All their songs are formulaic, they are all exactly the same apart from the overly long bit which they either have as an intro or an overblown middle eight, sometimes so damn long that you actually forget the tune you are listening to because it’s gone on longer than an Eastenders omnibus and to these ears is as much fun. Talking of length, three hour gigs? Ten minute intros? I don’t think so, get to the point; get to the good shit, please!

All four members of the band pull the same grimace while playing live to show how much they’re feeling it maaaan, but ends up looking more like a porn cum face after sucking a bucket full of lemons and having two fingers plunged up your bumhole.

How people have glossed over the fact that Jimmy Page was in a relationship with a 14 year old groupie despite being aged double that.
Being good with a guitar doesn’t mean you can get away with that kind of behaviour, oh hang on, who plays guitar on that ‘My generation’ tune again?

‘Stairway to heaven’ alongside ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is one of the most annoyingly pompous songs of all time. The stupid lyrics, the guitar histrionics, it’s just the most overated crap that has ever been recorded and is way too long. Equate decent time lengths to taking a dump, anything over four minutes and it just gets annoying.

Their ‘Song remains the same’ film, with strange interludes from the band climbing up rocks and other pseudo mystical crap is interspersed with footage at their 1973 gig at Madison Square Gardens. For the three hours you are treated to many different angles of Robert Plants camel toe-esq protrusions from the grotesque groin action predating Madonnas obscene PDCs (public display of camel-toe) by at least thirty years so something of a trend-setter there with that one.

There’s probably more but after thinking of led zep so much i now need to take a shower….