…or how to become one in 3 easy steps
It’s not easy being a celebrity, us being mere mortals who cannot turn water into wine we will never know how it is to be blessed with god given talent; it must be such a difficult cross to bear. It takes much effort courting the media and tipping off paparazzi with your latest whereabouts - normally a high class designer clothes shop despite the fact you get all the items for free and probably don’t need to actually be at the shop seeing as how you have 40 staff members on your books and the staff really wish you weren’t there either but hey,gets you out of the house I suppose.

These type of people are a funny breed because the column inches they receive are actually much higher than the amount of talent these lowlife can actually muster, the real geniuses you will never see in the latest daily rag, be it Thom Yorke, Chris Morris, Quentin Tarantino, Brian Wilson, Toby Litt, guerrilla art terrorist Banksy, whoever. What is there for you to do all day now that your application for non-entity fuck island got knocked back, here is a guide to what you need to do to make your mundane existence become that little bit more relevant;

1. Become a drug addict.
This is a brilliant move because the dividends are very high, the messier you get covers up your lack of talent in ANY arena and it could also bag you an equally attention hungry girlfriend but beware, if you have never touched a guitar (being able to play it doesn’t matter), you aint going to get any – right?

Drug taking is a matter of course for nearly everybody in our day and age, the world is awash with a myriad of whatever high or low you’d ever want to experience and just because the doctor said certain drugs are alright doesn’t make it any different from the ones they say aren’t.

 
Millions of people fuck themselves up, some work a way to sort themselves out, some don’t, that’s the way of the world, ‘celebrities’ though are totally a different kettle of fish as they can afford to pay someone to deal with their affairs.

Remember that to be a genius in your living room mirror, you will not have time to realise the consequences of taking drugs so if you are a celebrity regardless of category - you will not be capable of sorting your own mess out.

Yes, you were capable of using a phone and calling Dealer Dave and you very cleverly worked out that if you rolled up a ten pound note and sniffed  – drugs would somehow end in your blood stream but that’s where the initiative ends, from then on its up to others to sort the mess out and WHAT a mess!

Remember - celebrities cannot do anything for themselves apart from seek out recognition like a hungry two bob whore so what next? There’s only one place for you to go and that’s the haven for all over inflated self important scumbags – The Priory, shame no-one told you that rehab is for quitters.  

You fucked yourself up and now you you’re paying someone else to fix your fuck ups,   you are an adult, not a young child. Can you at least try and save the little self respect you have for yourself and attempt to wipe your own backside?

I know, times are hard, no-one likes your new play, your record sales have dried up, you are only sexually attractive to desperate menopausal women, your group has just split up, you ran out of last chances or just everyone in the country hates your guts.

Ever seen Keith Richards at the Priory? No. Can’t stand the heat? Get INTO the kitchen, knock yourself up a horlicks, go to bed and shut up whinging, no-one is interested.

2. Become a model.
This is a brilliant move because the less talent you have the better you will be at it and the more despicable you are- the further you’ll go.

Word of warning though, if you have an iota of creativity or happen to be working class - don’t bother, a career in modelling is exclusive and is saved only for people who are so absolutely thick that even daddy’s thousands of pounds that were ploughed into their education cannot save them. A model being creative is changing their ‘walk’ slightly or their occasional impersonation of a vague resemblance to a human being which always brings the house down.

But at least they are good at anorexia and neurosis, the best baby, you were ‘simply marvellous’ dahling -
Oh, look at little Kevinella – she ate food and everything, yeah in 1987 and now look, frizz her hair, turn her upside down and hey presto – you can use her as a mop, some point to her pointless existence, then, well, that and a free high by licking all the mirrors in the dressing room whilst they are on the catwalk, er….walking.

The cult of supermodel is amazing, you would be crazy to not want to do this job, ‘oh my, isn’t Stephan(ee) great, he can walk in a straight line, be a total knob AND be a drug addled hypocrite all at the same time. 
The hypocrisy shown from the model fraternity over the Kate Moss ‘scandal’ is typically despicable action, especially since backstage at every catwalk in the world, what happened in that recording studio whilst Babyshambles were recording an album is happening there as well, just not on camera.

For the particularly adventurous you could juxtapose rock n roll and modelling and become one of the ‘heroin chic’ set.
The heroin chic look is timeless, what is particularly sickening about this fad is that if a real heroin junky got anywhere near a fashion show, security would be assisting out head first repeatedly down the stairs.

When you’ve woken up in a squat in Bethnal green covered in sick you’re not sure is your own you can talk about heroin chic. The fact your eyes are a shade of jaundiced yellow, you have cracked lips and administer heroin into your peridium doesn’t mean you should be put on a pedestal.

Finally and probably the most advisable of all three choices as it is a guaranteed career booster (apart from appearing at a charity concert) is to just….

3. KILL YOURSELF 
It guarantees column inches and an immediate mythological status, worth a try, huh z listers?

Chris Todd